I know that you are all charitable people, full of the milk of human kindness. But perhaps, in a moment of weakness, it may have fleetingly crossed your mind that the passing of somebody out there might not elicit the same outpouring of lamentation as would normally be the case. If so, you may dedicate this song to them.

Lyrics

Ladies and gentlemen and everybody else,
please let me take a moment here to clarify myself.
I do not condone violence. I’m not that kind of guy.
I am a steadfast pacifist. I wouldn’t harm a fly.
But accidents can happen, and you are not immune.
You could be blown away by a tornado or typhoon.
You could be washed away in a flash flood or tsunami.
You could be struck by lightning or choke on a salami.
If a natural disaster should take you by surprise,
or if a sudden illness should lead to your demise,
if a fatal misadventure should put you in the ground,
don’t let the coffin lid hit you in the face on the way down.

You might suffer septic shock, you might get meningitis,
hepatitis, vasculitis, gangrenous appendicitis,
status epilepticus, respiratory failure,
liver failure, renal failure, multi-organ failure.
You might have a heart attack, a cardiac arrest,
an embolism traveling to your brain or to your chest,
a subarachnoid hemorrhage, a subdural hematoma,
a brainstem herniation. You could lapse into a coma.
If you were afflicted by misfortune or calamity,
if you were the victim of a personal catastrophe,
if a fatal misadventure should put you in the ground,
don’t let the coffin lid hit you in the face on the way down.

You might be bitten by a spider or bitten by a snake.
You could be buried in an avalanche or perish in an earthquake.
You could fall into a sinkhole. You could fall into a well.
You could tumble down a flight of stairs on your way to hell.

If you should have an injury resulting in mortality,
If you should succumb, and become a casualty,
if a fatal misadventure should put you in the ground,
don’t let the coffin lid hit you in the face on the way down.